man, i look at all these places my friends go and i'm kinda jealous honestly.  i would really love to be able to just go on a trip for a week or two and not be worried about money.  I actually wish my parents grandma lived up here, so i could live with her.  if i could spend a few years living with her, i would be able to save up so much money and that in turn would give me the ability to go on these fabulous trips i see everyone else going on.  *hopes and dreams*

well anyways, in the mean time; i will live out this daily grind and push towards these hopes and dreams...

1. lose 80lbs

2. take a trip to taiwan

3. take a trip to japan

4. take a trip to vietnam

5. take a trip to new york

6. take a trip to canada (vancouver and toronto)

7. get a vw gti

8. buy a house

yup. that's it for now. hahaha.  hope i can do all of this in the next 5 years. lol. well, except the house. that's like 15-20 i think. lol.  

So I've completed 1 week of p90x.  I've lost 9lbs so far.  Let's see what happens in the next 11 weeks! im excited to be thin!!! hahahaha.

Wow, this year went by pretty quickly i guess...  idk. i don't really take notice but i am in awe that it's already the 16th of december.  this month and year is close to being over already.  what started out as a rocky year closed on a high note.  my job has been going well and so far, im doing rather good there.  it's been steady and i've been able to purchase things i've wanted for a long time.  i've finally got my hd tv and a new laptop (toshiba) still getting used to this keyboard though.  it's a lil bit odd for my liking.  anyways, i must say my thank yous and how grateful i am for the people in my life...even the ones not so close anymore. so i'll just list names as a shout out to all my homies. haha.  tim, kevin, eric, jimmy, alan, tyler, johnny, tristan, benson, thoi, antuan, brian, jimmy, mickey, mark, bryce, and grandma.  it's been years of joy and i look forward to many more with you all.  even if sometimes, its only through a text or phone call.  

im actually going on a trip to reno this weekend.  im really looking forward to snowboarding again and gambling a little bit. haha.  i was hoping to have some friends join us, but it looks like it's just going to be a romantic getaway for us.  which is still good. =)  

merry xmas all and happy new year.  

and to the few of you left that read my blog, thanks for being around and being a part of this cyber life.  i know i don't update much anymore, but it's nice to know some people still take the time to read and respond here.  well anyways all.  take care.

Finally, things are beginning to get much much better.  Having a steady job that's fun to do and I enjoy being at makes such a huge difference.  I don't dread my days, I look forward to them.  I work with a great bunch of people and it's nice being back in the retail environment.  Having a pay check that pays the bills and gives me a lil extra to play with is awesome.  I'm still trying to get caught up on all my bills since it was a good 8 months of constant struggling before finding my place.  I finally got my iphone 4! ^.^ hehehe.  My uverse is being installed on the 20th and hopefully I'll be getting a new 40" hd tv soon after.  I'm also after a new laptop and that will happen some time after i get my hd tv.  After that, it would be nice to get a bose sound system, but i doubt i will put in the money for it.  i'll probably wait on that until i move into a bigger place.  That is the next step in the next year or 2....moving to a bigger place. 

Things have been going really well with my boyfriend.  We are getting closer than ever and are able to communicate with each other easily.  we're also having a lot of fun together and i think he's learning to put more effort into us and also how to think about us rather than just him.  so things are going good and getting better and better. 

once i pay off my debt in march, things are going to be sooooo much better and sooooo awesome!!!!! hahaha. can't wait to be back fully on my feet and running!!!!

It's so ridiculous!  You know, it was already agreed upon that you would spend the night with me as soon as you get back.... i mean seriously, coming up with an excuse to give your sister really shouldn't be an issue.  I'm sorry, but you've been away for 2 whole months and i've patiently dealt with it this whole time and trust me! it wasn't easy!!!!! I took off 2 days so that we could spend the night together and just be together as soon as you got back.  I would think that would be the first thing you would want to do when I got back too.  I mean if i were in your shoes, i would spend at least a week in your place and spending as much time with you as possible.  This is seriously becoming such a joke!  I've been quite patient with your whole gay/straight life, but damn, you need to take the circumstances into consideration!!!!  I really love you!  i think about our future together and i wish you could do the same in positive light that i do as well!  everyone's future is uncertain, but really, we can, at the very least, hope for the best.... this just seems so ridiculous to me!!! sigh******** do what you want...........it is what it is at this point......

i knew it would happen again.... it's gonna be 4 days of silence..... the straight friends, the trip, the family.... all these things create barriers  and cause issues for us.  thank god i start my new job tomorrow!!! long awaited and over due!!!!!  i'm going to have something to do and stay busy during this time!  it just bugs me that because his straight friends are around or his family, he can't communicate with me at all.  i get side barred for the time being.  i'm pretty patient in dealing with it, but it does still bother me.  what sucks is that there are times when i wish i could just talk to someone.  just vent out a little bit.  idk.  i'm just complaining here, that's why i still have this.  it's a place where i can just vent on my own, because there is no available ear during the times i need to talk to someone.... 

on a lighter not! congrats to me on my new job!!!!! hahaha. 

I am very grateful to have a job.  I am very grateful to be able to be making money again.  This job is hard work.  It takes a lot determination and guts to do this job.  you are constantly walking into businesses and trying to sell them something.  Mind you, it could benefit their business, but it's just the effort it takes for them to take the time out of their day to sit down with you and listen too you.  I really hope that there is something else for me to do in god's plan.  I really hope that, with this experience, another company will find me.  They will pay what I made at Home Depot.  That is the next step.  To find a career where I'm not trying to sell a service or do sales anymore at all.  I just want to be able to be at one location all of the time and do business from there.  I miss Home Depot.  I wish I could get back into that place. blah.. FML!

so many times these days, I just feel like quitting and moving home to hawaii.  Life would be so much easier and I wouldn't be so stressed out.  The only thing is, my bf.  I don't want to lose him.  He's the only thing holding me back now.  otherwise, i would be gone already..... i want to run away to asia! hahaha.  whether it be taiwan or vietnam.  either way, i just want to get out of the us. 

It took forever to find, but I finally found my next career.  It's still sales but it's base pay is good and the commission will be very good as well.  No retention rates here, but the upfront commission totally makes up for it.  I'm glad to finally be working again!!!  Finally, things are truly starting to get better!

I'm not officially 27 years old.  i guess this is the year all the birthday cards and money from mom and grandma stop coming! hahaha.  man i feel discombobulated atm.  it's just like in my early twenties, i was doing so well for myself.  I fell down the wrong path and ended up here.  this is not where i imagined myself at this age.  for the last 3 years, i've talked to other people who said they were in a similar situation at my age.  they said by the time you're 28, you come out of your slump.  fuck the fuck.  i don't want to have to wait another freaking year.  this shit needs to quit real quick.  seems like praying to god, buddha, shiva, shang tsung, toothfairy, santa clause, and the god damn easter bunny doesn't do shit!  and it's not like im just wallowing here thinking praying is going to somehow solve the problem.  i've been actively working on fixing things, but atm, things just seem to be at a stale mate for me.  blah******  sometimes i feel like i just want fall asleep and never wake up again.  i know, that's depressing.  but that's only a short moment.  the rest of the time, every chance that comes up, every interview, every offer, i get my hopes up.  but seems like i can't close the deal.  i used to be so good at interviewing and getting an offer.  these days, i barely make it past the first interview.  if i do, it definitely doesn't get me hired.  im still optimistic i'm going to find something permanent that pays decent.  life is just a barrel of bananas at the moment.  it's only half full, so someone needs to help me refill it.  i hope this year starts to turn around real quick.  that's my rant. good night.

i've been dating a while now and i know the signs when someone truly is into you.  well, at least the way i kind of expect them to be with me anyways.  some things i do notice.  in the beginning,  when someone really loves you, they go out of their way for you.  they call you in the morning to say good morning and call you at night to say sweet dreams.  so when these little things don't happen, i begin to think what's up.  i'm a pretty hopeless head over heels type of lover, so i am into the cheesy, corny, and mushy stuff. i notice all the little things. very rarely do i notice the big things.  the little things are what counts to me. 

so anyways, my bf and i had a tiff this past thursday in the early morning hours.  it was technically after his bday. so yah.  i've been in the worse situation financially in my lifetime and things haven't been going so great for me.  well, on the account, that i might have to go home to hawaii, he started to think to himself he doesn't know if he wants to be with me or believe in me either.  i can tell you that this definitely tore me to pieces.  he didn't want to talk that night and just wanted to go to sleep.  i had this over bearing feeling of being abandoned.  the next day we talked it out and he said as long as things work out with me finding a permanent job, he wants to be with me.  needless to say, ever since then; things seem different.  it may just be me, but i feel like a wall has gone up.  im nervous about how he really feels about me now.  he says he loves me, but is this just to say it to avoid any type of discussion about anything until he really figures it out?  a lot of us gay guys when we're coming out, live a str8 life but are true to ourselves about being gay.  family is usually the last to know and if we get a bf, it's not completely hidden from everyone. just our parents or annoying sibling if they are a squealer.  being str8 is the false reality and gay is our reality.  with him, i feel like it's flipped around.  it's almost like being gay is his false reality, and appearing str8 is his only reality.  maybe he's just young and doesn't know how to love.  maybe it has something to do with his bf in the past that just disappeared on him.   maybe i'm just pushing for things to move forward when it's not time.  maybe i just want him to show me that he truly loves me. FOR BETTER OR WORSE... FOR RICHER OR POORER...IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH.  i mean these things kind of define what love is supposed to be. i just feel like im this small paragraph on a page in his book and that it can be turned at any moment and that would be it.  i know im a little insecure now and worry that opening up and loving him the way i know how will just end.  im scared to lose him.  i really do love him and that's just so frustrating sometimes.  im just venting now i guess.  i have no one to really talk to.  i don't know how to articulate this anyways.  im just saying what is on my mind bcuz it's bugging me and this is my outlet.