I have been on quite a journey recently. Now, I know that no one really visits Xanga or even knows about it anymore. I use this site as my own personal journal and outlet that I don't care for people who are all about facebook to know or understand. I've been hitting the slopes every day off. Now, I'm not sure if that is affecting my mentality or mood, but I know what I'm feeling inside is real. I still think about my ex, whom left to Taiwan and cheated on me before he left. I'm really not the best at goodbyes and when I know something is ending, I have the ability to not care nor give a flying fuck what happens between us as those days end.

I had all but lost hope in my own life. I mean, I am 35 years old now. Not some young kid. But my life is still in shambles. I feel like I've lost my best friend. We don't talk anymore... I lost one of the biggest loves of my life.... I quit a job that truly made me unhappy and started working at a job that paid shit... Losing pretty much everything. Living out of my car for a week. Yah, I know that's not even long, but that's because I found an opportunity to find a place for cheap and that I could afford. It's out of luck and determination to survive...

I however, have truly been thinking a lot about living. Is it worth it. The embarrassment of what I am and what not. You never discuss this with anyone. Not even your best friend. So I'm unsure what I'm actually going to do.

I have met someone who truly made me feel wanted again. He's from Korea and was amazing the night we spent together. And I really want to spend more time with him. We have been talking since he went back, and it's been nice. I've been more willing to live on because of him atm. Not sure how long this will last. But its a good start.

I have to finish work, so I'll stop here for now....

Just a few days ago, things seemed like the end of the world. Everything in my life was falling apart and I literally was about to lose my place to live. I didn't know what I was going to do with my dog. I really had no idea what next steps I was going to take. I got help from my friend Mark and my brother Thoi. This helped me stay in my current apartment. I also had interviews and call backs for second and third interviews. I must say, after 7 years in telecom, I know it well. In the end though, my brother offered me a manager position at one of his restaurants and if I do well, I'm sure I can be a GM in no time. I'm looking forward to it for sure. I realized how much better it would be without having to deal with all the stupid bitchy customers that don't understand their bill. It's food after all and most people just want to enjoy their dining experience rather than have ulterior motives when they go in there.

On another note, Julio, the filipino guy from the philippines will be here on the 25th. It's been a littler over 2 years since Tim left and to be honest, it is the first time since then, that I've actually started having feelings for another guy. Today is Tim's birthday, but I'm not all hung up like before. I'm finally able and ready to move on...forward...

OMG. I just got a notice saying that we need to pay all of the rent in 3 days or vacate the apartment! FML!!!!!!! Why do things keep getting worse, when they seem to be getting better? Every time something happens, I get super shaky. That flight or fight response is crazy.

I have to say, I honestly thought that this year was going to get off to a better start than it did. It's the end of February now and I feel like I'm at rock bottom again. I'm currently watching the season premiere of "The Voice" and I noticed how much family all these contestants have. The struggles I keep hearing about seem so sad, but looking at it; They all have family to back them up and help them out. They aren't truly alone, nor are they really on their own. They all have good support systems in place. It is very far and few between, that you ever see someone truly get there on their own.

There's a new show variety show in Korea that is about 8 episodes in now. It is called "All the Butlers" or the translated title is "Master of the House." It has a great concept, where they spend 2 days and 1 night with a master of their craft. Famous and renowned people to understand them and what they did to be so successful. So far, it has been famous Korean actors or singers who have had very long and still going success. They recap at the end of the visit, what they learned or what their biggest take away was from the experience.

I bring this up because so many things happened in just the last 2 months alone. I left at&t thinking I would get a new career, but that didn't work out the way I planned. I also left at&t because I was unhappy there. Last night my new roommate smashes my phone and gets into a physical fight with 2 of my friends. Not only that, I let this new roommate borrow my car and he ends up taking it all the way to LA and not only that, makes an airbag go off, had to replace the tires twice, cracked my windshield, and left the insides in disarray.

I feel like I've lost myself in the last 2 months and haven't been driven towards anything. I haven't had a goal or purpose in a while. Now, with no support system and bills backing up, I'm stressed out. I've been feeling like I want to quit everything. I have thought about suicide twice, but that's just a bitch way to go. I thought about going home to Hawaii again and just leaving everything here in California. I honestly want to brush up on my Korean and get a 1-way ticket to Korea. I will somehow, figure out how to make it work there. That's what is on my mind lately. I'll be turning 35 in 2 months and it's like I'm trying to restart my life.

Life has definitely been crazy over the last year and a half. Since Tim has been gone, everything just seems so useless. I am still trying to make it through everything, but I truly miss having a partner to go through life with. Now, even when I'm free, I would rather be busy working than just sitting around at home. There isn't anyone to go to the movies with or go to the aquarium anymore. I don't want to do anything of that nature with anyone currently. I've met some guys here and there, but we are definitely no where near being as good as a match as Tim and I were. I know you can't compare to your past relationship, but there is a standard that is set and it is so high I guess, that these other guys can't come anywhere near it.

I've moved further away from my best friend and I barely even see him now days. We are all so busy that even chatting has become scarce. It's amazing though, the friends I do have, when we do get back together to hang out, we always have a blast and it's like we never missed a beat.

School is done in November. I will finally have a BS degree! It only took forever. I'm hoping I can make enough effort to truly switch careers by the end of the year and move into tech. That is where I really want to be. I'm so over dealing with stupid ass customers and lame ass employees. My company doesn't even pay me enough to babysit them...sigh*

I'm so glad xanga is still around. I at least have this to talk to...

Wow! I had the craziest nightmare that woke me up. I had just arrived at my grandparents home in Hawaii. I think I was with my dad and grandpa(who is deceased). His house is this soft green colored house up about 3 flights of stairs. There's a rock wall enclosing his property and a big pine tree that is to the left of the stairs. His house is located up a hill, so you can look down to town below and as far as the ocean. As we arrived, we saw this huge track that looked like it was for a rollercoaster and another track for a smaller roller coaster. I mean it was so tall and the oval must have stretched about a mile and 10 miles in the sky. My grandpa wants to know if I want to go play catch, so I ask my Dad if he wants to go ( like he was my brother or something). He doesn't, so I suggest we go to the fair we are looking at in the distance. He suggests we put down our stuff first and then go. So we start walking up the stairs and suddenly my legs go weak. I can barely move my body. What the hell is going on?! I struggle and with every ounce of strength I have, I pull myself up to the house. I begin to gain strength again and my dad is on the couch lying down. My grandpa is walking around the property and a couple of guys (one named jim) comes strolling through with their guns. (Not sure what happened, but there was another incident where jim was involved as the perp.) They were asking what's going on and we just said we don't know. I look out the window and the carnival tracks and everything is gone....wtf....I'm now looking for my grandma and i walk down the hallway, past the kitchen and my grandpa's bedroom to find my grandma clenching the door frame in the bathroom. My bedroom door is closed, but there are scratch marks from my grandma's fingernails. My grandma's eyes are closed and she is stiff as a board. I grab her and bring her to living room. I am freaking out, thinking she is dead at this point. I go to lay her down on the floor and check her breathing. I am screaming her name out loud and blowing on her face. I suddenly lose all my strength again, but manage to pull myself up and as I do, my grandma rises with me. She's in a trance. I call out grandma! and wake up....

fuck. this really was one of the scariest psychotic dreams i have ever had. I literally woke up screaming out her name. and i am getting goose bumps as i recall everything to write in this post.

I think it's so frustrating to be in a school where the instructors don't really teach you anything. All I do is learn from a book and participate in an online discussion and turn in assignments. There are no lectures or examples given. It really does make learning programming very difficult. I have to rely on youtube and some other coding sites to try to understand what I am doing and put it all into action. I am slowly getting it, but compared to some other people in my class, I feel really behind.

ON that note, there is literally only about a year left of school for me. Thank fucking buddha. I am almost done! I can't wait to graduate and just have the freaking degree. I already know I am going to have to do some other online learning to further develop my skills as a programmer after anyways.

Buddha, please shower me with money from the power ball lottery! I would love to win this lottery. I swear, I will help a friend get their helicopter ride to EDC, donate at least 5 million to the AIDS foundation of SF, and buy a house and car and settle in near my best friend. I will still work on being a programmer and creating apps. I would also get into investing. (Probably have experienced people do it for me) but invest in small amounts on my own for fun and practice.

I miss having a bf in a way. It was super lonely at first and from time to time, it would be nice just to come home to someone and hold or have dinner with. I know I've let myself go quite a bit since starting school. I really need to figure out how to balance my days better and get back into shape. ugh* story of my life.

Gotta wake up in 4 hours. so .... g'nite!

Lately I've been having to drink myself to sleep. And even with a couple big glasses of hennessey on the rocks in me, I'm still not out. Honestly, I get home around 930, shower and make dinner. By then it's already close to 1100 or 1130pm. I try and do homework for about an hour or so and drinking while I'm doing it. I head to bed around 1-130am, thinking ok, i'm just going to go to sleep. Nope. I have to open youtube and catch up on my kpop idols. Lol.

I would think I am too old for this shit, but honestly I love it. I still love Big Bang but have obsessively fallen in love with got7 and BTS. The pop stars there just do more interesting programs and their shows and dramas are that good. One show leads to the next and before I know it, it's 430 or 5am. Got to wake up at 830am. Damn it! hahaha. It is my fault for diving into youtube, but it really is something!

I have been thinking to myself, I wonder if I could just move to korea. Teach myself korean and try to make it out there. It would be something new and exciting, but so late in my life? idk if that's a good idea or not. Well, it's not a good idea, but it definitely is an exciting one.

I do think I need to work on myself first here and get those things in order first. I turned 33 yesterday and with all the new things this year, why not change this crucial piece of me and become super hot. haha. Anyways, here is a kpop video.

Day6 "Letting Go"

Wow. I can't believe I'm going to be 33 tomorrow. How time flies.... I must say, I had a good conversation with my ex a couple of days ago. It was nice to chat with him and hear how things were going. I have been feeling more lonely than ever and what's really weird is that I spend less time on grindr and jackd than I used to. I always knew what I had, I just couldn't imagine it gone. Adjusting to life single has been quite a challenge. Honestly, I didn't expect to meet my ex when I did, but I'm not ready to chase anyone the way I chased him...

I'm watching the Hills from season 1. Oh how I missed this show. It's weird how when you lose someone, you almost automatically become nostalgic to everything. It's like because you lost someone important to you, you automatically want to go back in time and repeat history. Maybe it's because hope to repeat it, but the reality of it all is, you just need to hang in there and write a new chapter to your life.

Wow! I can't believe it's been so long. I even forgot what the name of this blog was called. I'm glad I found it and still remember the password to it. Just to put things into perspective. I've been in a relationship for the last 5 years. It was an amazing experience and I even proposed to him. Well, I guess he didn't want to go through with it and decided to go back to Taiwan. So by March 1, 2016, I no longer have a partner. I'm single again after 5 years. I moved to a new place to live on my own. I was moved to a new store as a store manager.  Every thing is changing this year....

At first, I thought I was going to be okay, but it has been tougher than I thought. Being alone after not being alone is so different. What's even more interesting, is that I'm not even trying to be with anybody. I don't want to deal with anyone. I still have school and that really is a pain in the ass. Another year and a half and I will be done though, so it's all to achieve another goal. I already achieved store manager in 5 years, so it's the next goal before moving on.

I've been on vacation this week and it's really been a staycation, but I've been isolated for most of it. Everyone is busy and I feel like I need to find more friends, but then again...I have school and a lot of homework that I don't understand.

I'm not going to lie, I miss having someone to call after I got out of work and I miss having someone to come home to. I really want to break down and cry, just to get it out of my system, but that's not happening. Well anyway, it was nice just getting this little bit off my chest. I'm glad I still have xanga to go to and let off steam like I did before.