I have been on quite a journey recently. Now, I know that no one really visits Xanga or even knows about it anymore. I use this site as my own personal journal and outlet that I don't care for people who are all about facebook to know or understand. I've been hitting the slopes every day off. Now, I'm not sure if that is affecting my mentality or mood, but I know what I'm feeling inside is real. I still think about my ex, whom left to Taiwan and cheated on me before he left. I'm really not the best at goodbyes and when I know something is ending, I have the ability to not care nor give a flying fuck what happens between us as those days end.

I had all but lost hope in my own life. I mean, I am 35 years old now. Not some young kid. But my life is still in shambles. I feel like I've lost my best friend. We don't talk anymore... I lost one of the biggest loves of my life.... I quit a job that truly made me unhappy and started working at a job that paid shit... Losing pretty much everything. Living out of my car for a week. Yah, I know that's not even long, but that's because I found an opportunity to find a place for cheap and that I could afford. It's out of luck and determination to survive...

I however, have truly been thinking a lot about living. Is it worth it. The embarrassment of what I am and what not. You never discuss this with anyone. Not even your best friend. So I'm unsure what I'm actually going to do.

I have met someone who truly made me feel wanted again. He's from Korea and was amazing the night we spent together. And I really want to spend more time with him. We have been talking since he went back, and it's been nice. I've been more willing to live on because of him atm. Not sure how long this will last. But its a good start.

I have to finish work, so I'll stop here for now....