March 15, 2010

• str8 false reality and gay reality

  i've been dating a while now and i know the signs when someone truly is into you.  well, at least the way i kind of expect them to be with me anyways.  some things i do notice.  in the beginning,  when someone really loves you, they go out of their way for you.  they call you in the morning to say good morning and call you at night to say sweet dreams.  so when these little things don't happen, i begin to think what's up.  i'm a pretty hopeless head over heels type of lover, so i am into the cheesy, corny, and mushy stuff. i notice all the little things. very rarely do i notice the big things.  the little things are what counts to me. 

  so anyways, my bf and i had a tiff this past thursday in the early morning hours.  it was technically after his bday. so yah.  i've been in the worse situation financially in my lifetime and things haven't been going so great for me.  well, on the account, that i might have to go home to hawaii, he started to think to himself he doesn't know if he wants to be with me or believe in me either.  i can tell you that this definitely tore me to pieces.  he didn't want to talk that night and just wanted to go to sleep.  i had this over bearing feeling of being abandoned.  the next day we talked it out and he said as long as things work out with me finding a permanent job, he wants to be with me.  needless to say, ever since then; things seem different.  it may just be me, but i feel like a wall has gone up.  im nervous about how he really feels about me now.  he says he loves me, but is this just to say it to avoid any type of discussion about anything until he really figures it out?  a lot of us gay guys when we're coming out, live a str8 life but are true to ourselves about being gay.  family is usually the last to know and if we get a bf, it's not completely hidden from everyone. just our parents or annoying sibling if they are a squealer.  being str8 is the false reality and gay is our reality.  with him, i feel like it's flipped around.  it's almost like being gay is his false reality, and appearing str8 is his only reality.  maybe he's just young and doesn't know how to love.  maybe it has something to do with his bf in the past that just disappeared on him.   maybe i'm just pushing for things to move forward when it's not time.  maybe i just want him to show me that he truly loves me. FOR BETTER OR WORSE... FOR RICHER OR POORER...IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH.  i mean these things kind of define what love is supposed to be. i just feel like im this small paragraph on a page in his book and that it can be turned at any moment and that would be it.  i know im a little insecure now and worry that opening up and loving him the way i know how will just end.  im scared to lose him.  i really do love him and that's just so frustrating sometimes.  im just venting now i guess.  i have no one to really talk to.  i don't know how to articulate this anyways.  im just saying what is on my mind bcuz it's bugging me and this is my outlet. 

  • 2:55 am
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