January 3, 2010

  • i can't sleep.  the future seems so undefined.  im almost at a loss.  thank god i found the love of my life.  im sure i've said that line before.  but no one has ever made me feel so crazy as he does.  crazy in love type of way.  im feeling so helpless and im stressing out over what may happen in the next couple of months.  i hope i can  make all this happen.  it's funny.  a couple months ago when istarted all of this, i thought by now, i would be making more than enough money to survive.  that obviously didn't happen.  now....should i drop this insurance thing and just find another run of the mill job to do?  i mean, that's what i need to do to survive the moment.  i guess for the time being, the moment is all i can hope to survive.  my biggest fear this new year is not being able to make it and having to move back home to hawaii.  i guess in a sense if that's the case, you can call it god's work.  i've opted to stay here rather than go back for my own reasoning which i believe is fair, but if god feels he needs to get me back, i will figure out a way to make what i have with my lover work.  the thought of losing him breaks me.  the thought of not being able to be the best man that he deserves breaks me.

    This year definitely is starting out rougher than any other year thus far.  so it's definitely going to be an interesting year.